To my darling Lorna,
It’s your birthday today, the 7th one we’ve spent together. Birthdays have changed quite a lot over the years, we used to go out drinking and birthdays were a day to get spoilt. Not today though, we have the school run, I then have my medication review and then it’s baby group for Bertie. You’ve said you’ll do the food shopping because I get anxious when I have to do it myself. Even on a day that’s supposed to be all about you, you’re thinking about me.
I really don’t think you’ll ever know what you’ve done for me, when I was at my worst you made me wash and you put food in front of me so I would eat. On the days you were home, I would just want to lie in bed but you wouldn’t let me. You knew what I needed even when I didn’t have a clue. Even after working 14 hour shifts you would stay awake at night holding my hand so I didn’t feel so alone.
I must have been so difficult to live with over the past few months, I stopped finding things funny and we’ve always been able to laugh together. I cried all the time and I worried that our baby would die. Who wants to hear on a daily basis about the different ways their baby could get hurt. I questioned everything you did, your driving, your parenting, everything. You responded to the million times I said “careful” with a smile, you didn’t make me feel stupid and you didn’t get offended by it.
You work so hard and even if you’re busy you always have time for others. You take a lot on, people speak to you when they’re struggling and I know from first hand experience why. You listen, too often people want to jump in with advice, but you don’t. You listen and then if you have something to say you do, but sometimes you just listen.
You deserve so much more for your birthday than I can give you this year. I’m determined to keep a lid on my ridiculous behaviour although I’m now feeling anxious about being anxious and ruining your day. I want today to be about you because it feels like it’s been about me for the last 5 months and that feels selfish.
I told you recently that I love you so much more now than the day we got married and I’ll probably love you next year more than this year. I learn new things about you everyday which makes me love you more.
Today will be a good day and it will be the start of lots more good days, I promise you that my love.
All my love G xxxxxx